Well, tonight I am confessing that I am one of those mothers! I want but I haven't put in the work or the relationship. I have turned to everyone and everything except the one person I need the most....You, my God, my Father! and I ask your mercy, your forgiveness. I am drained, I am lonely, I am lost, and I have become someone that I am not proud of...I hate the way I handle conflict and most of all I keep reading words that state what comes from your lips in what is the condition of your heart! Luke 6:45...A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. God, forgive me for my heart must be stone!!!
It all comes down to this...my intent is pure...I love mama and I want to do all I can for her now that she is sick. I want to show her my love, give back some of what she has done for me, protect her, ease any fears she might have, be kind and loving and supportive to her...do anything I can for her in these last years. But, I was unprepared for her to get sick and even though my intentions were good, it showed that my relationship with you, my God, is lacking. I have tried to control everything by myself, I have not gone to you continually, I have had no faith in your power or protection...and as Mama would say, I have stepped out from under your canopy. I have opened a window and let Satan have a hay day and now my family has suffered, my health has suffered, my relationships with my daddy has suffered, and my integrity has suffered. And it is all because I have gone out on my own...I have forgotten, no not forgotten, just chosen not to put God first.
Through my anger and bitterness I read a text from my friend, Donna Weaver, and answered her with such bitterness, hurling accusations about Daddy and Patti and their care of Mama...so humiliating. When she answered all my garbage with just a few words of "I am sorry if you misunderstood but your dad didn't say anything but good things about your mom's health and praise you for your care of her" it was like a slap in the face to me...it was then that my conscious and the Holy Spirit started nagging at me but I just haven't been able to lay it down.
The situation has gotten so desperate that I poured out my heart to a stranger...a complete stranger on the internet. But, due to the fact that God is all powerful, he moved this Godly woman to speak to me...These were her words to me...I pray I never forget them!
Dear Trina,
I am so very sorry to hear the news about your Mother. What a witness she has been to so many! What a rich heritage she has shared with your whole family...incredible...miraculous....pure Love.
I also just lost my Mom and we had her Memorial this week. Sorrow comes, but joy comes in the morning ...Psalm 30:5.
There is no easy way to experience sorrow...to endure the hardships of this life...but to know that this is not our home is the hope we must cling to.
We mourn the things and people we lose, feeling a void where there once was none...yet, as I read about your Mom, all I can see are the 5 children, 18 grandchildren, and 25 great-grandchildren that are extensions of her...filled with seeds from the Lord...planted and nurtured by this beautiful daughter of the King. What lovely crowns she will have to lay at His feet! Can you imagine???!!
I stand with you Trina as you grieve what once was, but hold on to what will be. I read this from yesterday's entry in "My Utmost for His Highest"
"The way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be so is another matter, but that it is so is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You always know the man who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, you are certain you can go to him in trouble and find that he has ample leisure for you. If a man has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, he has no time for you. If you receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people."
You will be the nourishment for others....just as your sweet Mother has been. It is a high calling...one that will be led by the example your Mom has been for you. What a precious gift.
These days ahead will be a great challenge for you. My Mom had suffered for 7 years...how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love experience pain and loss. You will never regret being there for her...even when it's painful...God WILL give you what you need to endure. Keep asking Him...EVERY day.
I will be praying for you Trina,
May God draw you and your Mom close to Himself,
Only there will you find what you need.
Much love,
Sue
Oh, My Lord...how much you must love me, this mess of a woman! I wept, I wept, I wept and then I thanked God for his mercy ....for not giving up on me. Even though I have pushed him aside and made such a mess of things my Lord, my Father had mercy and got to me through SUE! And once God cracked the surface he used my friend Renee and her prayers for me and with me to point me again in the right direction. I called her in a panic Friday and she pointed me back to you.
Yesterday afternoon, there again was Patti's version of talking to the doctor which I disagreed with everything she said except "goodbye" yet my hands are tied. I had no one to turn to and felt so alone and lost and it was out of that loneliness and just sick and tired of all of it, that God reigned down his mercy upon me again. My heart is excited about a spiritual journal and so there is this artist, Stephanie Ackerman, who has a printable devotion along with art. I was copying her art into a folder and it was all scriptures that spoke BIG to me...this is an example of one of them....
It may not seem like much to you but I downloaded probably 75 or more of her doodles and they really hit home. Thank you Lord for speaking to me using your words and this wonderful artist. I need to be in the word...I need to be talking to God instead of burdening my family, friends, and strangers with the stuff I am working out in my heart and mind. This is my sorrow, my refining, my compassing showing where my faith, heart, and relationship is. It is for me and God to work on and tonight is the start! This life God has given me on this earth is precious...my time, just like Mama's and Daddy's is limited and I want to make the most of it. I want the joy and peace of the Lord. I want my relationship with God to be strong and solid and I want the joy and peace so that I can enjoy my husband and my children, grands, friends, my art and all the things in this life that I love. I want to be an example to my children and grand-babies and leave a legacy of godliness. And most of all right now, I want to be in the arms of Jesus to walk through mama's decline so that I have Him, the only one who has all the grace I will need, to be at my side every minute of every day because I know the path ahead is going to get really, really tough! I need you tonight Lord, and I will need you tomorrow and the day after and the many days after that. Thank you Lord for keeping all your promises to me and for never leaving me or forsaking me. And tonight this is your words that I want in my mind as I fall asleep..."Therefore thus says the Lord: 'If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless,you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them." Jeremiah 15:19
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